Ashes

Today...

I can hear the wind blowing, her gift chiming.

I imagine the places we have spread her ashes...

I wonder to where they have traveled...

The wind that has carried them across the sea and over the mountains.

The shoe that has picked up her soul on its sole.

The sun that warms them.

The cold bitter nights that chill them.

The flowers that are birthed from them.

The journey.

My journey.

Her journey.

A journey that doesn't end if I don't let it.

All I have to do is think about each little piece of her flying and floating. Resting and wandering.

Piece by piece she is free just as she wanted to be.

An unstoppable journey now.

A journey that can be judged by no one.

A journey all her own as she has now surrendered.

Taking each day one at a time.

Listening to the wind.

Answering its prayers.

Knowing she hasn't a care in the world and she can let it all go.

The beauty she brought and left is still here.

As I look around and wonder where?

I believe she is more whole now than she ever was...scattered in a million pieces.

But, that is because I believe that each piece of her is free to travel the journey she felt trapped from living.

I miss her.

However, she is in the wind... in the life... in the water... in my heart... in my children... in my soul... in my past... in my future... and right in front of me in her urn.

She is here, just different. Here and free.

My journey loving her, and loving me.

October

After I graduated from grad school I thought about starting my own consulting business. I threw around a few names hoping that something would stick.

The name meant everything to me. I have heard business names before that made me cringe. I didn't want that for my business. I wanted something that was striking and soft, reflective and reminiscent, thoughtful and true, but most importantly the name must resemble my mother. The name that I choose for my business HAD to honor my mother.

Naming my business after my mother died proved to be difficult and awkward. I realized that I needed help when the best idea I could come up with was Monor = Mother + Honor. Wow. Really?! That was all I could come up with? I had a block of creativity and rightfully so. My mother had died of a prescription drug overdose and I was launching a consulting firm that would create prescription drug communication campaigns.

After posting my embarrassing and revealing post on Facebook about how I almost named my business Monor, a friend contacted me and did her own intervention. She offered the services of an incredible design firm that she works for. Without hesitation I accepted her offer and booked an appointment as soon as I could.

I had lovely meetings with this group of women. They challenged me during two sessions to reach for words that brought forth memories of my mom. The plan was to link back a word to what I was going to do with my company. I left our final meeting with a feeling of hope. I just knew that they had all the creativity, the wisdom and determination that was needed for the job. The fate of my business name and my livelihood was in their hands.

Until one fateful day (as many days that change your life are), I thought of the month when my mom died. The month of October. I spent most of my life living through the month of October with great joy and love. For instance, my birthday is Oct. 28th, my sister's is the 14th, my mother's mom was on Halloween and my other grandma's birthday was on the 10th. It was the month of my favorite holiday. The month in Michigan that marks the beginning of fall as the leaves change color and crinkle beneath your feet when you walk. It is a splendid time as mother nature shares the beauty of nature's colors. My favorite month for almost my whole life. The month of October.

It also became the most dreaded month I have ever known. Oct. 19th was the day my mother passed away. The day her soul became one with the world again. The day I became a motherless mother. The day that changed the way I would view my own life different and all other lives as well. The day that would make me evaluate all my relationships, my friendships, my family, my children and my marriage.

The DAY now existed in my most precious month. The month I celebrated most of my life.

My mother loved my birthstone. She thought it was one of the most beautiful birthstones and she adored the fact that my sister and I shared it. In fact, now that I think about it our birthstone was much like her. It is delicate, colorful and often misunderstood.

I realized that I could not name my business any other name. I had to name my business after my mother, after all the good and all the bad. I had to name it OPAL. It was as if an angel had spoke to me. The moment I heard myself say it, I felt at peace. I, of course ran it by my friends at the design firm and they agreed.

So, OPAL isn't just a name, it is a feeling, a memory, a collection of memories. It is colorful and raw. Dark and light. Exquisitely beautiful and complex to its core. It is majestic and evolving. It is love.

October also happens to be National Substance Abuse Prevention Month. A coincidence? I think not. Fate? Maybe. We are still figuring that out. I know the day I came up with the name she was speaking to me and I have replied. OPAL it is, it is not going to die.

And So It Begins...

So today I begin my journey as a blogger. This is the first time I have ever used a blog to process any emotion, especially the loss of my mother.

It has been 7 long years that seem to have slipped by like sand through my hands. Or, like pills through my mothers hands if I allow myself to imagine that.

Either way, this is the beginning of a journey within a journey that began a long time ago when I was a little girl.

I will work through my love for her, my sadness for her and my strength because of her. I will write about my tears, me thoughts, my hate, my fears, my love and my growth.

I will use my keyboard and the cyber world to showcase my raw emotion for myself and for others. Should you feel this is a place you can connect with, please do. This journey of grief and loss has felt so lonely at times. I would love to know if you connect with anything I write about.

I look forward to writing. I hope you look forward to reading. Maybe, just maybe, we will have a human connection. Because isn't that what this life is all about? And it is that unbelievable loss of connection that we grieve.

Prescription Drug Abuse Kills. That is a fact. The rest of this story is told through the eyes of a little girl with big girl perceptions, who watched her mother suffer for years.


OPAL.